The Manchester Derby

Local derbies, crunch matches, cup finals and league deciders very rarely live up to expectation. Effectively, this evening’s game between the two Manchester giants is all four of these scenarios rolled into one with all of their season’s work hinging on the three points on offer.

Currently, Manchester United are ahead of their rivals by three points, but with an inferior goal difference. This season, the league could well be decided on this very differentiator given how closely they are matched.
The possible scenarios have been rammed down the throats of every television-watcher and radio-listener, and as if you needed reminding, here’s a recap.

If United win, they go six points clear at the top of the Premier League where a point from their remaining two fixtures would secure the championship.

If the two teams draw this evening, United will remain three points clear of their rivals and providing they take four points from the final two games (if City win their two), they will be crowned champions.

 If City manage to win tonight, they will be equal on points, have a superior goal difference and their destiny will be in their own hands. Their first title will be theirs providing they can produce wins at Newcastle on the road and QPR at the Etihad Stadium (assuming United win their two last games against Swansea at home and Sunderland away).

 It sounds more complicated than it is, but the wonderful and transparent fact is that whoever wins tonight will have the Premier League title in their own hands and providing they win their remaining fixtures, it will be in their club’s trophy cabinet come the end of the season.

Manchester United have taken the opportunity to get out of Manchester and escape at least the immediate furore of the city. They spent the week at The Vale Hotel resort, using the training facilities of Cardiff City, Cardiff Blues and the Welsh National Rugby Team. This left the Cardiff Blues playing staff a little less than impressed by their change in training schedules as Casey Laulala and Jamie Roberts announced on twitter, though the blow was softened by the photo opportunities with their illustrious guest. It’s dubbed the jail of Glamorgan by Welsh players and the media because of the isolated nature of the location, but it would have been the ideal tonic for the Manchester United squad given the scrutiny they are under in Lancashire. It also gave Sir Alex Ferguson the chance to pop down the M4 to watch Swansea’s entertaining 4-4 draw with the already-relegated Wolves. Brendan Rogers’ team will be the Red Devils’ next opponents following tonight’s derby and Ferguson will be hoping that it’s only one point his team will require to clinch the title.

Meanwhile, Mancini has been up to his usual antics of playing down his team’s pedigree by hoisting his rivals up on a pedestal claiming,

“If we win, they are favourites (for the title)."

He continued to play the role of the underdog stating,

“My opinion is always the same - I think they have more chance than us.”
"We play the derby and then Newcastle, that will be a very tough game, then after that QPR," he said. "United will play against Swansea and Sunderland and I think they will be two easy games."

This is despite Mancini watching his side get beat 1-0 by Swansea at the Liberty Stadium in March and to Sunderland by the same score line at Eastlands on New Years Day. It’s all added fuel to the already raging fire and it will one of the two teams will effectively be extinguished at the Etihad Stadium. It makes a nice change from the norm because in recent years, games between two hotly contested rivals are usually appalling spectacles.

The Old Firm derby may be seen as a big game, but the truth is, they play each other so often that the fixture has all but lost its romance. Given Rangers’ current financial situation, this isn’t likely to reignite one of Britain’s fiercest rivalries. The neutral won’t want to watch the game simply because it’s ‘just another Old Firm derby’ and if we’re honest, there’s more talk after the game about the dugouts of Rangers and Celtic than the field of play.

It’s got to a stage now that every time Barcelona and Real Madrid lock horns you’d much rather be talking about the dugouts than the embarrassing playacting that happens on the field. These two giants of football play some of the most attractive football the world has ever seen and they boast the richest squads in the game. However, for 90 minutes, El Classico is a diving contest. The game doesn’t seem to be about who wins or loses but who gets more of the opposition team booked or sent off. The fixture has taken such a nosedive that many British viewers won’t even bother watching the game because they are so frustrated by what they see. Every decision that’s made is followed by the referee being mobbed by players pleading for the opposition to be reprimanded. It is horrible viewing and a terrible example of professional sportsmen’s behaviour that leaves many viewers cringing at their screens.

Similar to the old firm derby, the Derby Della Capitale contested between Roma and Lazio is mainly remembered for the amount of arrests around Rome on the day and night of the match. That and Francesco Totti’s unbelievable ability of dragging out his career longer than Bruce Forsyth.

Cup finals in general are poor, with both teams usually adopting the uber-negative mentality of not wanting to lose rather than going out to win. However, with this evening’s clash dubbed as a cup final for Manchester City, there is one significant difference. It’s a game that they simply must win. Manchester United know that if they win tonight, they’ll be 6 points clear and the title race will be all but over. On top of that, Fergie and his players must still be hurting from the humiliating defeat Mancini’s men gave them at Old Trafford when they were demolished 6-1 back in October. Coincidently, they were five points clear following this game and as Mario Ballotelli was driving around Manchester handing out high-fives and twenty pound notes, they were favourites for the title.

United aren’t seen as a negative side and Ferguson insists that they are thinking about nothing but taking three points home with them,

 "If we draw we'll be strong favourites but we will be trying to win."

In terms of form, Manchester City have won 21 of their last 22 home Premier League games claiming 77 points from a possible 81. The last time someone walked away from the Etihad with three points was, ironically, David Moyes’ Everton back in 2010. Their recent surge has seen the controversial Carlos Tevez and Sergio Aguero partnered in four Premier League games in which City have scored 15 goals, Aguero and Tevez have netted 12 of these. It’s been a mixed season for the Argentine following his antics on the subs bench at Munich, but statistically, he scores or assists a goal every 55 minutes of a Premier League game. They’ll be desperate to win tonight and no one more so that Roberto Mancini who knows that if he doesn’t deliver any silverware this season; it could be the end of his managerial stint at City, especially given Pep Guardiola’s imminent departure from Barcelona.

With United’s 4-4 draw at home to Everton last week, they have now dropped five points in their last three games. This is as many as they dropped in the whole first three months of 2012. However, they have Wayne Rooney back firing who has scored 16 goals in his last 14 appearances for United.

The great thing about tonight’s game is that the actual football is a means to an end, the end being who will have the ascendancy going into the final two weekends of the season. Even if it’s a terrible game, the outcome will still be interesting, regardless of the result. Yet, with both teams seeking the all-important three points, it’s hopefully going to be a barnstormer. Thankfully, it’s not our job to produce the goods, it’s our job to sit back and watch it all unfold.

Bad Hair Days

With the unfortunate Joleon Lescott getting far too much coverage over the past couple of days that has been necessary it’s a wonder that the money football players earn isn’t spent on their hair maintenance.

Lescott is somewhat of an anomaly because his tragic hairline is the result of a car accident he was involved in when he was five as well as being the victim in a boiling kettle escapade where he suffered third degree burns. However, with the money that he’s being paid, there is no way he should still be sporting the half-fro. There are hair designers all around the world that would offer their services to Lescott and the countless other footballers for half an hour’s wages. If they could fix Wayne Rooney, they can fix anyone.

Football leads the way in preposterous hair-do’s and it’s not a recent phenomenon. The 1980’s was a sublime era of mullets, perms and erroneous facial hair encapsulated by the one and only Rudi Voller. There were others about in the eighties, but Voller ticked every box; the perm was perfection, the mullet was magnificent and the ‘tache was tremendous. Of course, there were others; Kevin Keegan, Chris Waddle and Ruud Gullit were all wholeheartedly dedicated to their mullets, perms and taches, but Voller was in a league of his own.



Thinking that these questionable barnets would be isolated to the eighties was a foolish assumption. The nineties carried on in the same vein with some truly outstanding fashion statements. Roberto Baggio’s head during Euro 96 looked like a bad haircut from the front, no problem; maybe he changed his regular barbers. We’ve all been there, a change from the norm has resulted in a hair-dresser seeing your hair as their own little project and completely wrecking it. This can be excused, however the platypus’ tail growing from the back of Baggio’s cranium is completely unforgivable. Jason Lee raised a couple of eyebrows with his infamous pineapple-head look during his time at Nottingham Forest. Surely every time a ‘sports top 10 worst haircuts’ is published, he sits at home and wonders what he was thinking. Other names that shine during this period were Peter Beardsley and his school-boy bowl cut, Karel Poborsky’s feminine locks although admirable were absolutely shocking and Gerry Francis’ way of combating his thumb-head with a grey mullet (which he still sports today) was and is appalling. Those still persevearing with the haircuts of yesteryear include geordie striker and full-time Emile Heskey impersponator, Andy Carrol and the football manager who looks like the lovechild of Gordon Brown and Mrs Doubtfire, Steve Bruce. Here's a collection of terrible footballing barnets enough to make you want to stab your eyes out:

Going into the new millennium brought a new dimension of bad hair, a chemical substance that would change the world of hairdressing forever; peroxide. The first high-profile hair dying was the Romanian world cup squad as they bleached their hair during the 1998 football world cup and it’s acted as a catalyst for the more frivolous players around the globe. Abel Xavier’s peroxide addiction is the one that heads the class (excuse the pun) but these pictured monstrosities prove that he’s not alone in the weird and wonderful world of colourful creations.

This constant colouring of the hair isn’t the healthiest thing for your roots and will probably result in hair loss. It’s something that many men have trouble with and it’s a tragic sight seeing a man hopelessly clinging onto their hair. Some deal with it graciously and on the first sight of balding will embrace their loss and sport a shaved head. It’s an awkward transition, but once it’s done, hair maintenance becomes a whole lot easier and there is a sense of respect for those who get the clippers out in the early stages. For those who can afford it, such as Wayne Rooney, Michael Vaughan and Shane Warne, by all means save your hair follicles. There are some men, however, that take it upon themselves to ignore their obvious lack of volume and attempt a hair style to masks their baldness. They’re kidding no-one but themselves and they’d be far better off stepping into the light and taking a razor to their scalps. Nevertheless, they're a strange breed of man, and their stubbornness only extracts more attention to the hair they haven’t got in their ridiculous attempts to fool the hair gods. Here’s a collection of hangers-on:

The world of the catastrophic haircut isn’t restricted to the footballers. There are many sportsmen in all sorts of different fields who have competed with horrendous hairdos. From cricket to darts, there are a whole host of monstrosities in the wider world of sport.

Cricket has had its fair share of critics for the boring nature of the game and the pomposity of the supporters and players. Therefore when creatures like Kevin Pietersen sport the skunk look, it changes people’s perceptions. Yet, some perceptions are best left as they are. During the cricket world cup in 2011, Ireland made a big impact on the world stage. One man in particular was the star of the show when the Irish minnows defeated their illustrious rivals England and that was Kevin O’Brien. Unfortunately for him, his proudest moment will forever be overshadowed by the most drastic of peroxide disasters (pictured).

The world of darts is not one of high-end fashion, but even by their standards, Andy Fordham’s mane is disgraceful.

Golf is a world where money is absolutely not an issue. There have been many showmen in the sport but for those who simply aren’t good enough to make the headlines for their play, they make up for it in other ways such as outrageous clothing and matching hair. Ian Poulter is a man that not only falls into this category, but he epitomises it. The highlights that he sports today were the most in thing on the planet a decade and a half ago. Today, they really are tragically un-cool.

Rugby union has its fair share of bad barnets, but the emergence of one player in particular has sky rocketed the sport and in particular the front row into hair superstardom. This area has been dominated in recent times by the Welsh duo of Adam and Duncan Jones and their wild hair has developed the nickname ‘The Hair Bear Bunch’. Commonly mistaken for brothers, their curly locks either side of the scrum is a glorious sight, but there’s a new boy on the block. Harlequins’ Joe Marler already has an extensive repertoire of shocking cuts and here’s a selected portfolio.

On the other side of the coin, however, there are men that deliver great hair time and again. They are saint-like figures who manage to maintain their style whilst engaged in battle of their respective sports. Us mere mortals will take photographs of these men to hairdressers, smile at the underpaid hairdresser and say “I want a Jamie Redknapp.”. These men should be hailed for their dedication. Anything David Beckham does with his hair is magnificent, while the Gavin Henson of 2005 (minus the red lions hair) was exemplary. While Morgan Parra and Morten Gamst Pedersen are playing, their flawless hairdos remain unscathed regardless of the instensity of the match and it's a skill that one is simply born with. Moving back through time, in the nineties, Ian Walker was the envy of every teenage boy with his flawless curtain hairstyle and David Ginola’s locks weren’t only the envy of men but many women.

With so many men out there having the option of maintaining a decent hairstyle or going bald gracefully, take a moment to think about this poor chap. His task is made impossible and while he looks around his team-mates in envy of the latest hair trends, he merely picks a number on his clippers and shaves off the copper strands in the hope that one day soon, alopecia sets in. Ladies and Gentlemen, Steve Sidwell.

ITV: International Television Violation

In the light of the ITV’s recent FA Cup (sponsored by Budweiser, apparently) coverage, they have propelled themselves way out on their own as the worst sports broadcasters on offer.

The problem starts at the top with the commissioners showing a complete lack of understanding and proving time and again how out of touch they are with sport. As ITV own the viewing rights to the FA Cup, they had the choice of which game to televise this week. Due to draws in the first leg, struggling Championship side Brighton travelled to the Racecourse to face non-league Wrexham while Birmingham and Wolves replayed their 0-0 stalemate at Molineux. The early rounds of the FA Cup are all about the exposure of teams that don’t usually make the headlines. Being that Wrexham were the only remaining non-league club in the competition, it should have shone a bright light in the eyes of the decision makers. Their game was scheduled for Tuesday, however due to a frozen pitch; the match was postponed by 24 hours. It should have meant that for one cold Wednesday night, the dragons would act as a curtain raiser for El Classico. Added to this the fact that they had managed an away goal and pushed their superior opponents all the way at the Amex Stadium, it should have been a no-brainer. Instead, the hierarchy at ITV decided that it was more favourable to show yet another West Midlands Derby and the nature of the two legs were summed up quite neatly on twitter by BBC radio 5 live’s football commentator and presenter Darren Fletcher,

“This game is so dull – Wolves 0 Birmingham 0.

“Commentated on the first game and in all honesty it's close which one was worse!!!!”

Meanwhile on S4C, for those that could bare the aggressive commentary of the strident Malcolm Allen, there was a fantastic game of football that encapsulated everything good about a cup fixture. The underdogs took the lead through a stunning first half strike from player-manager Andy Morrell. The 37-year-old’s goal held Wrexham’s lead until late in the second half when Ashley Barnes headed home to equalise. Wrexham had the better of the exchanges but when extra-time didn’t produce any goals, Brighton’s supremacy finally shone through with a 100% success rate and some truly brilliant spot kicks to take the match 5-4 on penalties. It was a cup classic and ITV had blundered once more.

Anyone who witnessed the 3rd round highlights show fronted by Matt Smith were forced to endure a level of broadcasting where even Adrian Durham would have been made to feel at home. Smith’s guests were Paul Ince and Gordon Strachan but his incompetence as a presenter meant that the entertaining Strachan was forced to sit on the sofa and look sombre while the other two in the studio discussed Paul Ince’s son’s career at Blackpool. Sadly, this is commonplace on channel 103 and a similarly droning experience awaits the audience on champions league nights. These are evenings that are meant to be the pinnacle European football and a showcase for some of the greatest talents football has to offer. The skill of Lionel Messi, the flair of Cristiano Ronaldo, the frosty atmosphere of the San Siro and the fearlessness of Carlos Puyol are all on show in these midweek fixtures. Who brings these scenes alive to our living rooms but Adrian Chiles, Gareth Southgate and Andy Townsend; a boring baggies supporter, a man whose career highlight was missing a penalty and a cockney Irishman.

For those who can bear to think back to the rugby world cup, you’ll remember the appalling level of match commentary given by Nick Mullins, Simon Ward and Martin Gillingham. To add to this, their so-called ‘expert’ co-commentators were Andy Gomarsall, Alan Quinlan, Scott Hastings and Phil Vickery. The only decent ringers they brought in were stuck in the studio in the form of Michael Lynagh, Sean Fitzpatrick and Francois Pienaar. Another wise move from ITV as they barely had time to comment because of the constant stream of Americanized commercial breaks. In case you didn’t know that there was an ad break coming up, you needn’t have feared, because ITV will run a black and white line in the corner of the screen for five minutes prior to the break to indicate the impending three minutes of aggravation.

Their most recent gig is the African Cup of Nations. It may not be a headline act in the football calendar, but the entertainment value is superb with an atmosphere of carnival football. ITV’s answer to this? Put it on ITV 4. The mind boggles as to how it’s going to be produced given the shabby way the production team go about delivering the sport on their prime channel. It’s bound to be a cacophony of clichés, puns and generally bad broadcasting.

Thankfully, the BBC have held firmly onto the six nations rugby while sky deliver fantastic coverage of cricket and football. The BBC’s coverage of the six nations tournament, athletics events and of course the iconic events of Wimbledon and The Masters is second to none. Their premier league highlights show Match of the Day has justifiably won countless awards and Alan Shearer aside, it’s a fantastic show. Sky’s power in sports broadcasting speaks for itself and delivers time and again. Their football coverage is the best around and even despite losing front-men Andy Gray and Richard Keys they’ve carried on their seamless coverage of the premier league. Cricket, American Football, Golf, Rugby League and Rugby Union are expertly produced with the finest panellists and presenters. Even channel 5’s cricket highlights package is a brilliant adaptation of the customary channel 4 programme of yesteryear using commentators from the legendary Channel 9 team in Australia. The show is fronted by arguably the finest presenter in world sport, Mark Nicholas, and it’s a great shame that he’s not given the exposure he was once given in Britain through channel 4. New-comers ESPN have upped their game and their coverage of the Premier League and the Aviva Premiership is very watchable.

This just leaves ITV battling it out with Eurosport for relegation. There’s a horrid sinking feeling when a sporting event that the nation is excited about is announced to be covered by ITV. It’s a great shame that they possess so much pulling power, but essentially, it comes down to money. For now we’ll have to make do with their inferior skills in the hope that one day they just stop bidding for events and really hope that Matt Smith reads this and retires.

The Black Army That Play In Green

It’s with great pleasure following a little persuasion by Mr Cameron Doster that I report on The Black Army. Albeit based on a brief period, it’s been highly entertaining. Enjoy.

My sweltering hot debut at home to Ynysybwl feels like an eternity ago and given the current state of the Cefn Mabely pitch, it’s hard to comprehend that it’s still the same season.

Having played against The Black Army in the 2010-11 season, it amazed me how a team could play such expansive rugby on a postage stamp-sized pitch. I vividly recall Ian Worgan influencing the game from full-back and it occurred to me that he was somewhat of a crowd favourite. The home team ran out 26-10 winners and I trudged back to ‘Posh Penarth’ with the heckles of “Come on, Jonny!” from the can-wielding supporters still ringing in my ears.

Influenced by the one and only Guy Griffiths, I was drawn down the M4 to Llantrisant with the promise of proper rugby, good training sessions and one hell of a laugh with a bunch of beauties. The initial half an hour of my first session provided all this and some and I was registered as a new player thanks to the able work of team manager, Jason Alford. My first exchange with the man they call Bap was utterly glorious,

“Alright Gar, I’m Jase – Team Manager. What the fuck are you doing up ‘ere then?”

Now I’ve got to know him, it’s just a classic Alfism and he’s full of them on match-days as he potters about trying to ease the tensions of game days. For an hour and a half on a Saturday afternoon, Alf finds himself in a position of authority and his officious, professional demeanour takes over. With flag in hand, Jason Alford is one of the finest linesmen around, but for a minor blip when Llantrisant played host to Bedlinog. There was an added edge to the game due to the 2nd team fixture against Senghenydd being forfeited. The members of One Team One Dream watched the first XV triumph 14-6; however, the day will be forever remembered for one of the finest one-liners ever delivered.

The Bedlinog right winger was having a bit of an off day and the unforgiving crowd were letting him know so. I was now part of the can-wielding crowd who had hurled abuse at a long-haired Penarth outside-half a year previous; and I was loving it. The winger in question had acted like a matador to the bull that is Harry Rees (pictured below) all afternoon much to the pleasure of the watching supporters.

Early in the second half, the winger was tested by an up-and-under. Preoccupied with his opposition, he seemingly ignored the ball and ran past it by ten yards before cowering and shielding his now bandaged wrist as the ball bounced into touch. Cue, Jason Alford. This was one mistake too many for Bap, and as he advanced towards the onlookers, he made his mark on the touchline, held up his flag and exclaimed in the most marvellous fashion,

“Fourteen, you may as well fuck off home, butt.”

This sent the already-set lineout into frenzy with all eight of Bedlinog’s pack volleying their threats the way of the linesman, who held his pose and delivered a familiar gormless smile, leaving his chorus of supporters behind him trying to catch breath.

Two weeks later, the first team produced a very good performance against Tylorstown in the league as they completed a 32-14 victory. The weather had turned and it was a gritty performance on a sticky pitch as the rain battered down. We had a lot to play for because everyone was gearing up for the Halloween fancy dress night and what a night it was, apparently.

Some of the outfits seen on the night were legendary and much thought and effort had gone in to win the bumper £150 prize for best dressed, which to this day is a result that eludes anyone who entered. It’s no surprise that a purse of such magnitude could be offered with the club’s fundraisers, Messers Alexander and Alford, taking £5 as an entrance fee only for the underage party-goers to be escorted from the premises before buying a drink. Inspired.

Much of that night was spent harmonising with a blacked-up cowboy in the form of Huw ‘The Hooker’ Williams. Ian Wharton’s uncanny resemblance to Gene Simmons was enough to send anyone to drink; which is exactly what everyone did and we did it really well. So well in fact, that I managed to get myself banned from The Wheatsheaf for arguing my case when the bar lady had decided that I’d had enough alcohol for one night. One can only imagine the scene as a highly intoxicated Brian Fantana put his points across, swiping his long black hair from his face and occasionally adjusting his moustache before Ron Burgundy escorted his colleague from the premises.

That night I was introduced to some remarkable tatoos, Dai Langdon and Daisy Duke the quiz king lead the way in improvised ink and the latter's armpit plays host to one of the finest tattoos I've ever set my eyes upon (pictured below)
On the field, things were going rather indifferently. The cold weather had set in and the pitch had begun tearing up. The numbers at training had started to dwindle slightly, but for those who were turning up, they were being treated to one of the finest sights in world rugby. This remarkable view was something that made the fitness sessions of Mr Groves Snr almost bearable. The reason being, when all the sprints had been completed, it was onto the skills and contact part of the session where the man affectionately known as Urban was in place to drill the hardy trainers. By this time, Urban had decided that the cold weather was worth countering and he did so with outrageous adaptability. Although I must applaud him on his versatility, trying to take a man seriously when he’s wearing a pair of shorts on his head to warn off the cold winter winds is almost impossible.

My first match-day experience was an enthralling one as I watched the first team win away at Fleur de Lys. Most of my afternoon was spent paroling the touchline with the inimitable Lee Austin as he tried to shake off Friday night’s demons. Some of the sentences coming from his mouth were barely words, let alone English ones, though through choice hearing or blind luck I did manage to decipher one line of pure gold,

“I had four cans of redbull for breakfast and it’s turned my arse inside-out twice.”

Since then, The Black Army have solidified themselves at the centre of division 2 east. It’s a league that leaves Llantrisant RFC in the very lonely position of 6th, fully thirteen points behind 5th placed Ynysybwl and six points (with a game in hand) clear of Bedlinog in 7th. They say that the league never lies and it’s especially true in this case. We’ve not lost to anyone below us with the exception of Llantwit Fardre away and we’ve not beaten anyone above us with the exception of Penallta at home.

If it wasn’t for two players, the club might well be rubbing shoulders with lowly Rhymney and Abercynon. Thankfully, the threat of Harry Rees and Kieron Evans has been enough to keep the team out of the doldrums. The way the two go about their work is extremely contrasted. The winger has scored 13 tries this season (9 league) and goes looking for work all around the park, crashing and smashing his way through players, often carrying multiple defenders over the line with him as he touches down. His front-row counterpart does things rather differently. Panda or Ganj as he’s more commonly known has mastered the art of goal-hanging in rugby and it’s resulted in a sensational four tries for the prop despite being out injured for a chunk of games due to a shoulder injury he sustained whilst attempting a dive. He may be useless at fixing floodlights but he’s a faultless finisher, the Francis Jeffers of the rugby world, a true fox in the box.

Away from the glitz and glamour of the try line, the majority of the players earn their keep more towards the middle of the pitch. The introduction of Ben Coombs half way through the season has bolstered the back-row sufficiently and has brought a real gusto to the pack. His physicality is something to behold and he’s a player you definitely want on your side in battle (excuse the pun). When the lineout is on song, it’s one of the most beautiful sights in amateur rugby. Simon Williams’ (aka Sean Keith Gilbertson) dominance with his acrobatic one-handed (he could easily take them two-handed, but when the cameras are about, you can’t blame him) takes really sets the backline firing and it’s a joy to play with. Rhys Ferris, Ryan Harrison and Keith produce some sublime ball for us backs, though the shortening of the lineout will surely soon amount to a one man lineout where Simon stands with his arms aloft and replicates what gave Derwyn Jones a career. The back three in Cameron Doster, Harry Rees and Matt Griffiths are three players who look to counter attack at any given opportunity. Their attitude to run the ball is second-to-none and it’s a shame that the soggy pitches have limited the three to express their potency. Glenn Holloway’s leadership skills came into question as he publicly revealed in a pre-match speech that he wanted nothing to do with the captaincy stating,

“…and remember boys, fourteen chiefs and ONE Indian!”

Funnily enough, the line hasn’t reappeared since that day and he’s lead by example on and off the field. Despite being a part-time trainer, the go-forward he gives the team from scrum-half is invaluable and his passion for the club shines through in his performances. Anyone questioning this need only to look at the Fleur de Lys game early in the season where for the first time, and probably the last, I saw Gareth Alexander speechless. He went to attend to Glenn who had gone down injured clutching his midriff and returned to the touchline bloody handed with only four words to offer,

“He’ve cut his cock!”

To those on the sideline still scratching their heads as to what had happened, they didn’t have to wait long for a full and graphic description from that man Jason Alford and Nicky Flyer Matthews.

It’s now that I have to come clean. Flyer haunted me for my first few games. My kicking routine has been commented upon regularly and has become somewhat of an annoyance to team-mates and opponents alike. Almost weekly I have to try and block out cries of,

“He’s only got a minute, Ref!”

However, while Cameron Doster, the Llantrisant Globetrotter, is fidgeting about behind me, wondering what to do with himself, my brain is furiously trying to engage itself into a state of focus. Unfortunately, due to my obsessive compulsive disorder, most of this time is spent arranging things into even numbers and correcting things that are in odd numbers (to explain this would take several weeks so you’ll just have to make do with that very vague summary) and the first time Flyer handed me my tee, it send my brain into turmoil.

Poking up, holding the luminous green tee was the strangest thumb I had ever seen in my life. Trying to rid the thought of that thumb from my mind as I lined up to take a kick was like not thinking about being cold in an ice bath, but when my mind used to envisage the ball as one of Flyer’s thumbs, I knew I was in trouble. I’ve since conditioned myself to make myself familiar with these enormous, bulbous opposable digits so that they need not cloud my train of thought before a kick. So Flyer, if you caught me staring, you know why! I’m told that Mr Matthews has a trademark song that he likes to sing when he’s not throwing balls into touch, I await the performance with great anticipation.

More recently, the world of Twitter has engulfed Llantrisant Rugby Football Club. Since the introduction of super-perves Lewis Montague, Rhys the ferret Ferris and the Williams twins, twitter has become a constant stream of exposed women, banterful exchanges and pictures of every meal Jonny Williams eats. Regular followers of llantwittant will have noticed the club grow in stature with world-famous scrum halves, Mike Phillips and Piri Weepu, showing their support for the @the_black_army thanks to the committed pestering of Lee Kerslake. It’s also been a chance for the more opportunistic members of the squad to set up imitation accounts for Flyer and backs coach Huw Jones. The way in which Rhys Ferris goes about his business on twitter is quite remarkable with one image in particular causing quite a stir (pictured below). The Ferret’s strategies on twitter are complex and well thought out, though his twitter philosophy is a rather simple one,

“I just mention ‘em and show their photo and if they want me to go up there and bang ‘em, then I will like.”

He’s a man that I could genuinely write a book about, and what a read it would be!

Although I’ve only been at the club a matter of months, I’m already wrapped up in the whole atmosphere of Llantrisant Rugby Club. The playing philosophy endorsed by Huw Jones is one of adventure, to throw the ball around and play rugby whenever possible and the characters around the place are uniquely brilliant. Although my working commitments have meant not enough Saturday nights out after games, the time I have spent in the maze that is the clubhouse has been sublime. From post-training quizzes to match days, it’s a refreshing environment of a whole club pulling together as one. There have been many things that I’ve learned from my short time with the Black Army, but here’s a short list:

1) The Worgan’s are two of the most naturally funny men on the planet.
2) Rhys Ferris should have his own magazine, newspaper, TV channel and website.
3) Alex James loves to tackle.
4) Leon loves to run really fast.
5) Andrew Thomas is always late and on the extremely rare occasion when he’s not, he’s the first to point out that someone else isn’t on time.
6) Winning player of the month is not worth it given the amount of stick you receive a la Chris Sharkey and Sean Gilbertson.
7) Julian Andrews has got the best pair of front row hands in Wales.
8) Chris Green’s relationship with his uncle is inspirational.
9) The Dosters are comfortably the wisest members of the club.
10) Owen Bater and Gareth Alexander really do love each other deep down.

H’away The Army!

Six Nations Selection

Warren Gatland has included 6 uncapped players in his six nations training squad who will take to Poland to endure a rigorous training regime. The chosen six are in-form Ospreys duo Rhys Webb and Ashley Beck, Cardiff Blues flyer Harry Robinson as well as Rhodri Jones, Liam Williams and Lou Reed of the Scarlets.

The squad in full reads:

Backs: Mike Phillips (Bayonne), Lloyd Williams (Cardiff Blues), Rhys Webb (Ospreys), Rhys Preistland (Scarlets), James Hook (Perpignan), Jamie Roberts (Cardiff Blues), Jonathan Davies (Scarlets), Scott Williams (Scarlets), Gavin Henson (Cardiff Blues), Ashley Beck (Ospreys), George North (Scarlets), Leigh Halfpenny (Cardiff Blues), Alex Cuthbert (Cardiff Blues), Harry Robinson (Cardiff Blues), Liam Williams (Scarlets), Lee Bryne (Clermont Auvergne)

Forwards: Craig Mitchell (Exeter Chiefs), Adam Jones (Ospreys), Ryan Bevington (Ospreys), Gethin Jenkins (Cardiff Blues), Paul James (Ospreys), Rhys Gill (Saracens), Rhodri Jones (Scarlets), Matthew Rees (Scarlets), Huw Bennett (Ospreys), Ken Owens (Scarlets), Bradley Davies (Cardiff Blues), Ian Evans (Ospreys), Lou Reed (Scarlets), Ryan Jones (Ospreys), Dan Lydiate (Newport Gwent Dragons), Sam Warburton (capt, Cardiff Blues), Justin Tipuric (Ospreys), Toby Faletau (Newport Gwent Dragons), Andy Powell (Sale Sharks).

The most talked-about inclusion is that of the marmite man of Welsh Rugby; Gavin Henson. Your opinion on his selection will either be greeted with welcome optimism or it will make your blood boil, dependant on your views of the ex-Osprey. Those who love him will say that he offers something at 12 that no one else can offer. He’s an absolute rock in defence, he’s got a siege-gun boot and he can unlock the most rigid defences with ease as well as class. He’ll be viewed as an alternative to the uber-physical centre partnership of Jamie Roberts and Jon Davies. Those on the other side of the fence will question the validity of his selection given that he’s only played 3 games of rugby for the Blues and only one of which was at his preferred position at inside centre. Added to this, Henson has failed to make even the match-day squad for their crunch Henieken Cup match against Racing Metro this weekend. Henson’s inclusion has meant that Stephen Jones’ international exile is extended further from missing out the only autumn international against Australia in December.

Gatland’s foreign player policy is all but extinct with French trio Lee Byrne, James Hook and Mike Phillips all making the cut as well as English-based Rhys Gill, Andy Powell and Craig Mitchell.

Sam Warburton keeps hold of the captaincy from the returning Matthew Rees following his well documented success as skipper in New Zealand. Both have publicly stated their desire to wear the captain’s armband and Warren Gatland has stuck to the theme of breeding youngsters in the international environment by backing his 23-year-old over his 32-year-old. This could be the main reason; however, Matthew Rees isn’t guaranteed his place given the World Cup form of Osprey Huw Bennett. Bizarrely and typical of the Ospreys, since returning from New Zealand, Bennett has played second fiddle to Richard Hibbard in the Celtic League as well as the Heineken Cup. The Ebbw Vale man must be wondering why he’s starting the majority of his games on the bench when he’s in possession of the national number two jersey. Furthermore, the man keeping him out of the starting berth at the Ospreys doesn’t even feature in the Welsh squad. Yet another head-scratcher for those on the outside looking in to the Liberty Stadium.

One man in particular must be sat questioning everything that surrounds him today. He’s a stand out performer for his region and has all the physical attributes for the international stage. Although his performances for Wales have not been as eye-catching as his performances for his region, he’d have still been confident of a spot in the 35-man-squad. One can only imagine the rage circling Aled Brew’s body as he see’s young pretenders Liam Williams and Harry Robinson get the nod ahead of him. There is no denying that they are both unquestionably talented and their inclusion in the squad will stand them in good stead for the future. However, if these wingers are deemed good enough to be exposed to the full national set-up, surely there’s a case for Ospreys fly-half Matthew Morgan? With Gatland only opting to name Rhys Priestland as his only out and out number ten, is there no place for a third option alongside James Hook? There are five wingers in the squad as well as Lee Byrne and Scott Williams who are more than capable of deputising on the wing. Understandably, the selection committee are looking for a long-term replacement for retired hero Shane Williams, but Brew must be seething that he’s not seen as one of the five front-runners.

Although 35 players have been named in the squad, Gatland has expressed,

"We are also taking the opportunity to look at one or two youngsters before probably cutting our numbers even further before the start of the RBS Six Nations.

"We have kept a couple of older heads and we have injuries, with Alun Wyn Jones, Josh Turnbull, Rob McCusker and Luke Charteris all unavailable to us, but the emphasis on development and planning for the future is there for everyone to see.

"These are exciting times for Welsh rugby.

"We showed a huge amount of potential at the Rugby World Cup in New Zealand and we will be working as hard as humanly possible to ensure that we reach our potential in this year's Six Nations championship."

The potential that the Wales Head Coach refers to is indeed quite staggering, especially in the backline. Barring injury, the team could look like this;

15. Lee Byrne
14. George North
13. Jon Davies
12. Jamie Roberts
11. Lee Halfpenny
10. Rhys Priestland
9. Mike Phillips
8. Toby Faletau
7. Sam Warburton (c)
6. Dan Lydiate
5. Bradley Davies
4. Ian Evans
3. Adam Jones
2. Matthew Rees
1. Gethin Jenkins

16. Huw Bennett
17. Paul James.
18. Andy Powell
19. Justin Tipuric
20. Rhys Webb
21. James Hook
22. Gavin Henson

If this squad takes to the field for the majority of the six nations, there won’t be many teams that will match it for talent. The only area of concern for Gatland’s men is the second row. This heaps yet more pressure on Robin McBryde as he looks to sure up the lineout which has been an area of limited success in the past. With his two main jumpers gone in Alun Wyn Jones and Luke Charteris, he’s got his work cut out. Sort this area out and Wales will be a serious force in the tournament, if it remains creaky, all that potential in the backline will go to waste.

The Fight That Pac Built

It finally looks like the ‘super-fight’ that has evaded us for so long will become reality in 2012. Manny Pacquaio and Floyd Mayweather Jr are said to be close to setting a date for the bout that so many have wanted to see for some time.

A potential purse of in excess of £25m for each fighter is being dealt with by the two fighter’s promoters in an attempt to seal the deal. It comes following Mayweather called Pacquaio out publicly on twitter in the week insisting the Philippine needs to, “give the world what the want to see” referring to a potential date of May 5th, where Mayweather is booked to fight at the MGM grand.

Predictably, there is a conflict of interest, with Pacquaio’s financial adviser Michael Koncz wanting to stage the fight at the 45,000-seater arena in Las Vegas; which is set for completion in late May. With the MGM grand only able to host a 17,000 capacity, Koncz has said that it would be crazy for him to tell Pacquaio to fight on the 5th of May and throw away a percentage of an additional $30m.

This is the only obstacle in the way of the fight that would be a titanic clash of the two best ‘pound for pound’ boxers in the world. Unfortunately, talks have broken down in the past when the fighters have been this close to getting into the ring. Most notably, Pacquaio’s team were resolute that the fight will go ahead back in December 2009 with Michael Koncz stating,

"We all believe that it will be done,

"The requests of Manny were so realistic that Arum doesn't feel it's a problem and it's pretty much a done deal."

Scandalously, talks broke down later that month when Mayweather’s camp demanded random blood tests up to 30 days prior to the fight to be written into the contract. Pacquaio reacted angrily to the demands, filing a lawsuit against Mayweather and his promoters, Golden Boy Promotions, for bringing his reputation into question. Pacquaio’s trainer, Freddy Roach, declared that is was a ploy to get himself out of the fight,

"When Manny gives blood it takes him three or four days to recover from it. I am not going to have my fighter going into a fight feeling weak and not sure of himself.

"Mayweather is scared, and he's just afraid that he's going to get his ass kicked."

Mayweather claimed,

"I understand Pacquiao not liking having his blood taken, because frankly I don't know anyone who really does,

"But in a fight of this magnitude, I think it is our responsibility to subject ourselves to sportsmanship at the highest level."

It was another opportunity missed and the fight, which was scheduled for March 2010, never went ahead. In the time between that break down and the current talks, Mayweather claimed the WBC Welterweight title in a controversial fight with Victor Ortiz in September last year. Mayweather’s questionable knockout (pictured above) came at the end of the fourth when the Mexican-American seemed to be apologising for a head-butt. Meanwhile Manny Pacquaio retained his WBO Welterweight title in November by the narrowest of margins on points against Juan Manuel Marquez with one judge even scoring the bout 114-114. Many thought the Mexican deserved the verdict and the Philippine was gracious as ever in victory, stating that Marquez deserved a rematch.

The aftermath of Mayweather’s defeat by knock-out of Ortiz was typically divisive, with the Michigan-born fighter laying into HBO’s boxing analyst Larry Merchant in the post-fight interview. Trying to discuss the debated knockout punch, Mayweather’s response on live television caused quite a stir,

"You never give me a fair shake. So I'm gonna let you talk to Victor Ortiz, alright? I'm through.

"They can put somebody else up here to give me an interview. HBO need to fire you. You don't know s*** about boxing. You ain't s***."

This lead to the 80-year-old Merchant claiming that he wished he was 50 years younger so that he could kick Mayweather’s ass. Much of the man they call ‘pretty boy’s publicity is negative and although his talent is undoubted, the way he carries himself is a far cry from that of his counterpart of the Philippines. ‘The Pac Man’ is hailed as a saint-like figure in his homeland and his mannerisms out of the ring coupled with his electric speed in the ring makes him an extremely marketable fighter.

Once more, the problem lies with Mayweather and Oscar de la Hoya’s Golden Boy Promotions. The American has had a 90-day jail sentence, for beating up his ex-girlfriend and threatening her two children, suspended until the 1st of June; meaning he wants the fight to happen at the start of May. However, the new, bigger arena isn’t due to be opened until later on that month.
Using his twitter account, Mayweather has challenged Pacquaio to,

"Step up Punk,
"Manny Pacquiao I'm calling you out let's fight May 5 and give the world what they want to see."
The tug of war continues as both fighters want to hold onto their own dates, but with Pacquaio’s preferred later date offering a significant increase in purse, the power is in his hands. Hopefully, Golden Boy Productions can come to an agreement with Top Rank to ensure the fight goes ahead.

In the upshot of his last fight, Mayweather claimed,

"I don't need Pacquiao. Where was Pacquiao in 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001 when I was dominating the game?
"He never asked me (for a fight) when I was in my twenties or when I was in my teens."

The undefeated American may have a case. He might not need the fight (although he’d be an idiot to turn down the money and the opportunity to give boxing fans the fight everyone wants), but the boxing world does. Between them, they’ve won 13 titles, Pacquaio in a staggering 8 different weight divisions and Mayweather in 5. Following the embarrassment of the Amir Khan – Lamont Peterson fight, boxing needs to pull itself out of the doldrums. It could be the fight that propels the sport to its great heights once more, so let’s hope that this time it actually goes ahead.

New-Look England

Stuart Lancaster has bravely named an inexperienced, new-look Elite Player Squad ahead of the 2012 Six Nations tournament. The caretaker manager has included nine uncapped players in the squad including exciting talent Owen Farrell who is in a battle with his Saracens team-mate Charlie Hodgson for the number ten shirt when the competition kicks off in February. The eight other uncapped players are Calum Clark, Lee Dickson, Phil Dowson (all Northampton Saints), Brad Barritt (Saracens), Jordan Turner-Hall, Joe Marler (both Harlequins), Rob Webber (Wasps) and Ben Morgan (Scarlets).

Following England’s shambolic showing and the world rugby showpiece last summer, there has been a huge player fallout, which was expected as well as needed. Many selection issues have been taken out of Lancaster’s hands with Steve Thompson and Jonny Wilkinson calling time on their international careers. Add to this a host of players such as Toby Flood, Manu Tuilagi, Courtney Lawes and Andrew Sheridan but to name a few being ruled out for at least the opening game at Murrayfield and it’s obvious that changes were imminent. Mike Tindall, Mark Cueto, Nick Easter, Shontayne Hape and Riki Flutey all drop out of the squad to make way for a fresh batch of internationals.

Refreshingly, the selection committee haven’t been afraid to call upon form players despite their lack of experience, or indeed in cases such as Charlie Hodgson, in spite of their experience. The amount of uncapped players involved speaks volumes of England’s future as they look to put the disappointment of the World Cup behind them. It shows that the management may have finally realised that picking players that are playing well for their clubs may result in that form being replicated on the international stage.

With only Graham Rowntree remaining from the old boys club that have lingered around Twickenham since 2003, it finally looks as though they’re moving forward. Nevertheless, this hasn’t stopped the old guard chipping in with their ancient opinions. Lawrence Dallaglio has taken time out from his busy schedule of bolognaise making to weigh in with his views.

When asked about the inclusion of Scarlets’ phenomenon Ben Morgan, he said,

"No, you need some experience in the squad first.

"The lad needs to experience the culture and the environment.

The 2003 World Cup winner then went on to say,

"Owen Farrell is playing well and England have got some interesting selections at 10.

"Jonny Wilkinson has retired, Toby Flood looks like he might be injured. Do you think putting Owen Farrell in against Scotland away is a fair baptism? I think Stuart Lancaster might look to the likes of Charlie Hodgson.

"I'd certainly have Farrell in the squad, he is definitely an England number 10 or 12 of the future. I remember Jonny Wilkinson coming into the England team and he made his debut on the wing at home, he didn't make his debut at 10 away from home."

This is exactly the sort of prehistoric, dinosaur-like mentality England have to rid themselves of. Just because a player has experience doesn’t necessarily make him a better candidate than someone without. Wales lead the way in this field at the moment by playing the players that are performing consistently for their regions. Warren Gatland has shown this by handing leading roles to the likes of Toby Faletau, Rhys Priestland, George North & Sam Warburton. In doing so, he’s not been afraid to cast aside tried and tested internationals such as Lee Byrne, Stephen Jones, Jon Thomas and Martyn Williams. These young players coming through have made world rugby stand up take notice of their performances, least of all their neighbours from over the bridge.

Now that Martin Johnson has left, taking with him the mindset of “this worked in 2003, so it must be right”, England can begin to look forward to an exciting period. Stuart Lancaster has said all the right things surrounding his selections,

"We've picked a side which is exciting, talented and committed to get us back to where we want to be - at the top of the game.

"I've spoken to those not selected and told them the door is not closed.

"But I want to use this Six Nations as an opportunity to develop the next players in those positions and develop a leadership group that is strong and wants to be the best.

"We think it's a tremendous opportunity to build a squad that has potential for now and for the future.

"They have been on the cusp of it for a while. Now they deserve their chance after proving themselves in big games for their clubs."

Not many England supporters will be overly confident going into the tournament, but we all know how important momentum is during the competition. If they can return from Scotland with a win, they then face the Italians in Rome, a team which they have never lost to; before a homecoming at Twickenham against the Welsh. If they can go into that game with two wins under their belts, anything is possible.

Now that he has retired and can not inflict any further damage upon any team he comes across, it's safe to say that for the rugby neutral, it's a great shame that Jonny Wilkinson will never grace the six nations again. His legacy for England is immeasurable, but for everyone else in the competition, they can breathe a simultaneous sigh of relief. But even without the great man, England certainly have the potential to be an exciting rugby team that achieves results at the same time. Hopefully, under the guidance of Stuart Lancaster who has absolutely nothing to lose, we’ll see the best they have to offer.