The glare that once kept me awake at
night had taken a shining to me and he wanted to bring me into the fold.
I'd played all my Waratah and
Saturday rugby at 10. 1,120 or so minutes worth honing my skills and developing
my game.
Another Gary Dipple's injury meant
the 10 shirt was empty, so Cush shifted the whole backline around, moved Sam
Brookes to fly-half and started me on the wing.
It was the beginning of my temporary
role as WSRFC's kicking back - and I hated it.
The journey up, and indeed back
from, Sheffield escapes me but I do have a couple of memories of my big day.
In the changing rooms before kick
off as Ben Hoyles was giving his final orders, I scrambled around desperately
to find somewhere to throw up my breakfast.
I could only find a big, black bin.
And I had to share it. Not the greatest prep.
On the field I did what was expected
of me from the boot, but Brookesy decided to bring me into the game a bit more.
About 20 minutes in we had an
attacking lineout in the Sheffield Hallam half and my fly-half turned to me and
said: "Japan."
That's a dummy switch with 12 and
then crash the blind-side winger up. Me. 11st dripping wet.
We won the ball at the front of the
line, off the top, perfect dummy switch and then I carried into their entire
back row, who swallowed me much like a second-year Tom Shepard swallowed his
cheese sandwiches.
But the game will be remembered for
one thing - the fight.
A scrum erupted as Andrew Murphy and
John Clarke turned some poor front-rower's face inside out, and as the mêlée
spread, I got a shove in the back from Stuart James Vincent.
He started punching people from
behind, so I followed suit. The only way to fight.
Tom
Shepard returning to his home county remembers it well: " It was a typical northern day at the
Michael Vaughan Cricket Academy, and the tradition of having an annual dust-up
there was to be started.
"I’m not quite sure how it came about but
suddenly there was a flashpoint and a line of miniature fights broke out.
"SJV was being molested for his good looks by two
players, the usually placid Sam Brookes and Tasty were busy piling into a
Hallam prop and Murph was doing his best impression of William Wallace as he
preceded to bludgeon at least three of the opposition.
"Tsangy says he helped.
"The person who was enjoying the brawl the most
was Chris The Piss as he flitted between each group inflicting some chav
justice on unsuspecting players.
"Luckily
for Sheffield Hallam, Ed ‘The Punisher’ Cook was still jogging across from the
other side of the field before the referee finally broke up the fight,
otherwise an air ambulance may have been needed."
It would be the beginning of me
establishing myself in the first team, but before that, I had a bit of history
to make for the Waratahs.
Playing against our most fierce
rivals, a customary scrap broke out.
Somehow, out of 30 blokes on the
pitch smashing seven bells of shit out of each other as well as Lee Thomas
adding the occasional boot and uppercut from the bench, the referee managed to
pick me and Tom Baxter out for punishment.
Two red cards. And here, Renard's
Magic XIII was born.
The Worcester Years contacted Ian
Renard and Matthew Roberts, but when we went to press last night, they failed
to comment.
Therefore, this story will have to
wait.
As much as it might sound there was
a first and second team divide, away from the field there was no such
separation.
This is perfectly portrayed by the
annual WSRFC Bowling Day.
By the time we'd left, this day had
become sometimes more fiercely fought than some BUSA (fuck off, BUCS) matches.
My first one will forever be
remembered for one of the biggest paddies ever thrown by anyone, ever.
Ladies
and gentlemen, I give you - Jonny Contact: "My shirt was made with my bowling name "curve
ball contact" proudly displayed on the back.
"I had my two pints, got drunk, and decided I was a millionaire thanks to a HSBC credit card.
"I had my two pints, got drunk, and decided I was a millionaire thanks to a HSBC credit card.
"I bought a gold pin from the pro shop to give as
a prize.
"I can't remember who stole it however, being a
ginger northerner, I didn't let it go as a joke.
"I threw all my toys out of the pram and went
mad.
"Obviously this fuelled the rest of the lads, so
after what seems like an age but was probably five minutes, I went to sulk on
my own in the corner.
"I can't remember who started it but I would
guess Pumba, Hemming or Cookie."
At this stage I'd like to plead the
fifth.
Another event where the whole rugby
community got boiled down in the social melting pot that is WSRFC is Sin Ball,
not that I'd know anything about it.
Luke Milton and I had been told, I
think by Sam Golding, that you get pissed quicker if you drink in a hot bath.
Apparently, you sweat so much that
you become dehydrated and thirsty, so you drink quicker and it affects you
more.
I equipped myself with Strongbow,
Milts with Fosters and away we went.
Turns out he was right.
I don't remember getting out of the
bath, but by that stage it would've been mainly urine seeing as neither of us
left the tub having knocked back 10 cans each.
Allegedly I was so pissed in Sin I
threw a middle-aged woman out of the way to get to the bar.
It transpired that woman was Andrew
Cushing's wife.
Luke Milton, who remembers as little
of the night as I do, said: "We were in the early beginnings of a blossoming, intimate, and
at times highly homosexual friendship.
"So
quite obviously, wearing nothing but a hat - babe wore a Fez, myself a
traditional cricket cap - we sat in a bath and got stuck into a warm crate.
"Obviously
we sang every rugby song going at the top of our voices, confirming my multi-national
flat members' hatred of myself.
"The
night before they had been woken up at 3am by Sam Brookes pulling babe around
halls by his foreskin.
"Obviously
neither of us got out the bath while we were in there.
"Obviously
we both fell out the bath when we left it.
"Obviously
we both went straight to Sin Corner.
"Obviously
it produced pictures like this."
But away from the social scene,
there was some seriously hard graft being put in to try and make the matchday
Varsity squad.
One man trying harder than most
after a shaky start to his WSRFC career was Mark Lowbridge.
He had flirted in and out of the
social scene because he was still trying to make it with Gloucester (spits on
floor) and their academy set-up.
He soon saw the error of his ways
and was up to his nuts in training.
One weird Monday morning session was
turned into a full-contact affair by Cush, and - shock horror - Lowbridge was
prominent.
He recalls: "It was a cold damp wet Monday
just after we returned from Christmas.
"The
mood was tense, first team places up for grabs, and two sessions were to take
place that day.
"Not
a usual 7am fitness, instead it was a 10am full on contact session which felt
like freshers v everybody else.
"After
putting heart body and soul into the session we were told we'd be returning
around 3pm to do a Andrew Cushing 'light session' this was another bone
crunching full on bosh.
"Being
the keen 19-year-old I was and looking to impress, I thought it be a good idea
to sprint away from any support to meet a head on collision with 23 stone Watto
and hard nosed northerner Jonny Contact.
"The
outcome was a bad ankle I thought I'd broken it.
"Followed
by the ever so supportive Cush's comments of ''If he wants to be an all black
and die, then let him die".
"Cheers
Cush.
"In
the hospital whilst nursing a sore ankle it aspired my hand hurt a bit as well.
"Which
to the nurses dedication was to x-ray that as well.
"A
buy one get one free offer.
"What
transpired was a sprained ankle nothing more and bost hand.
"When
returning to campus feeling a little silly to "how's the ankle, mate, I
could only respond "Ah sound it'll be right in two weeks."
"The
second question of, "Why's your hand in a cast?"
That
got, "Well, I broke that as well."
"Marvellous."
It warms my heart to think of him in
hospital pointing at all parts of his body saying, "it hurts here, here,
here, here, here, here and here."
Doctor looks, holds back laughter,
and says: "Mr Lowbridge, that's because you're pointing at everything with
your right hand. It's broken."
Some of us managed to pull through
the sessions and made the squad, but this both a blessing and a curse.
Yes, we were all delighted to be
selected, but there was a twist.
We had to dye our hair blonde and
blue.
As freshers, we were not adverse to
peroxide, but this time it went badly, badly wrong.
As bad as my hair looked, at least I
was able to dye it back its natural colour.
Not the same can be said of Jonpaul
McGrane.
I'm not sure if this has ever been
made public knowledge, but if it hasn't, he had to find out eventually.
Seven years is a decent enough
amount of time.
The days ensuing Varsity, while I
was still laying in bed with what can only be described as AIDS from the River
Severn, the rest of the boys went about returning their hair to its natural
state.
The Bend, being the fucking moron he
is, decided not to go for a brown, but a maroon.
He came out looking like an
82-year-old woman's handbag and although he persevered with it for a couple of
days, the ribbing he was getting proved too much and he wanted to dye it again.
Myself and Luke Milton were heading
into town, and he'd asked us to grab him some more hair colouring.
On the walk into town across Sabina
Bridge, we both stopped in our tracks when we realised the power that had just
been gifted to us.
There was still a blonde hair pack in
the flat from our mass bleaching session, and there was still an empty pack of
black hair dye I'd used the day before.
We took Bend's £10, put the blonde
hair dye in the black hair dye box, and roped one of the girls into the prank.
When Bendy sat down in his chair in
the lounge at Malvern Flat One, he thought he was finally getting rid of his
hanging, maroon lid.
But it was only just beginning.
The red mixed with the blonde to
produce a hideous salmon pink colour and as we fought back the tears, we had to
express our disbelief that this black hair dye was turning his hair lighter.
A very aggressive phonecall to the
customer service team at Schwarzkopf Hair Colour later, and we convinced the
only way out for him was to shave it off.
"It's dead hair, Bend, it won't
colour. It happened to me before - I had to shave it off."
So off he trotted to grab the
clippers and get rid of the rest of the ridiculous hair he had on his head.
Little did we know, the amount of
colouring had produced dozens of scabs on the back of his rock-shaped head.
To make matters worse, he was
laughed into Tasty's BBQ that afternoon and was forced to take the
Bic to it
for a smoother finish.
Sorry, Bend.
Well, sorrynotsorry.
Luke Milton said: "In a display of team bonding that
led Cush to say "you look like a bunch of cunts, make sure you don't play
like a bunch of cunts" we had all dyed are hair various shades of blonde,
yellow, ginger and orange.
"In
the following days we set about returning our flowing locks of hair back to a
normal shade of colour.
"We
convinced him - this is where Gaz's Gavin Henson esq product knowledge came in
handy - that the only thing to do was to shave it off.
"He
did. He looked terrible.
"Crazily,
we ventured over to the Tasty and Pumba house for a Thursday pre-lash.
"Poor
Bend lasted five minutes before a blotto Watto was bicking his head.
"Thing
is though, it really suited him."
This meant he went to Colours Ball
looking like Barry the Baptist and his smaller body double Daz
McAleese ended
up on top of a table singing Champagne Supernova.
Anyway, back to Varsity.
On the bus there we got stuck in a
cockload of traffic, which meant pissing in bottles - again, not the best prep.
Every one of the squad donned a
beanie because Cush had no idea what we had done to our hair.
Once we took these off during the
warm-up, a shrill blast came from the gargoyle, but it was nothing compared to
the noise that greeted us as we walked out of the changing rooms.
That was something else.
It was impossible to bring yourself
down after that to sit on the bench, so me and Milts patrolled the touchline.
It was a crazy game and discipline,
as we had become infamous for, was not a strong point for us again.
Jonny Contact got sent off for
gouging someone in open play and Tom Shepard served a 20-minute sin bin.
We'd scored a try through Ian
Renard, who got on the end of a Stu Vincent break from a set-piece.
The issue was, they were playing on
separate wings, so as Stu offloaded to his wing partner, he let out a
"Renard, what the fuck are you doing here?"
Going into the last five minutes, we
were trailing 13-16, and none of us expected to be put on.
But the inconsistent Andrew Cushing
called me over and said: "You're going on. If we get a penalty - I want it
over."
I warmed up and, shitting myself,
entered the fray on the wing.
Within a minute, I could've won the
game for us.
Ben Hoyles had wriggled free and was
one-on-one with the fullback with me outside him.
Had he not been knocked out earlier
in the game, he'd have probable passed it to me and I'd have strolled in from
40m with nobody else around, but he didn't know what planet he was on and
ploughed into contact.
With a minute to go, we had a
penalty 50m out.
I turned to our skipper Andrew
Murphy and said I wanted to take a shot, he strained, looked at the posts and
told me to put it in the corner.
It came to nothing, but as
Gloucester cleared their lines, we were gifted one last chance to launch a
counter-attack.
With the clock red, we worked our
way into the opposition half and I took myself from the wing to stand-off in
anticipation of a drop-goal attempt.
I wouldn't get a chance, because the
referee blew up for a penalty 42m out between the 5m and 15m lines on the right
hand side.
It was the furthest point away from
the stand, but it was as if the crowd were stood under my nose.
The worst part was that I'd
forgotten my kicking tee, so I had a makeshift one made out of a cone
and a
smaller tee.
Not a big deal to many of you - if
you're a kicker - you'll feel my pain.
As I settled down having placed the
ball on my home-made catastrophe, I could hear the Worcester half of the crowd
try and hush the Gloucester half.
Shock-horror, they didn't oblige,
and the PA announcer even started singing the Gloucester anthem.
It was just what I needed to help me
focus.
I released my hands, stood up tall,
one step back, five forward, head down and bang.
Straight through the posts from the
moment it left the boot.
I didn't get a chance to turn around
to gesture to the crowd, because I was swamped by my team-mates.
We may have drawn, but it felt like
a win.
One moment in particular stands out
to me in the aftermath of the game, which was in the shower, when Stu turned to
me and said: "I'm so fucking proud of you. If there's any fresher here
that deserves that, it's you."
I don't know whether it was the
countless hours I'd put in kicking, the fact I'd come back after Cush told me
to fuck off, the fact that I'd done whatever I was told at socials and kept
quiet or that he just liked me - it was a good moment.
But I can't help thinking how much
better that day and night would have been if we'd have won.
I'd never taste Varsity success
during my time at Worcester, and it's still something that pains me.
Many will be in the same camp as me,
which makes the current crop of students' achievements so impressive.
Delivering under pressure.
Winning when others would give
anything to make you lose.
We never got that, and for
succeeding, I doth my cap to you.
I look forward to you telling me all
about it at Old Boys Weekend 2015.
We.
Are.
The...
The Epilogue
To the Prince of Wales Stadium in
sleepy Cheltenham,
The stage was set for the ultimatum.
No points, no cup to lift, no
relegation to fight,
Just the pride of beating the scum
on the night.
Peroxide blonde - one to fifteen,
We never played dirty, but
definitely didn't pay clean.
A yellow and a red for taking out
someone's eye,
Jonny Contact left 14 men who for
Worcester they'd die.
Renard found himself in
no-man's-land,
But touched down to score in the
grass, mud and sand.
My nerves were jangling when Cush
sent me on,
But I entered the fray and my chance
didn't take long.
"I'll have a shot, ref."
as he pointed to the sticks,
"This is the last play, you
better not miss."
My tested routine held when I needed
it most,
Bang, three points, straight through
the posts.
A memory I can re-live time and
again,
When we all meet up now and then.
We all have our moments that we
remember best,
But we all know the feeling of WSRFC
on the chest.